No One's Gonna Love You (More Than I Do)
by costcosamples
Summary: Snippets into the lives of Piper and Alex, past, present and future.
1. Always on My Mind

Just finished watching the show and this couple is too hot and intriguing and dynamic to ignore for a whole year. This'll probably be just random snippets into their lives, past, present and future. Some angst, some fluff, some smut. May or may not stay cannon. I'm not sure the year on the show, or how it's different from the book, but I'm basing it on them being in prison now, 2013, so this will work forward and back from that.

As usual, I own nothing.

* * *

Paris, 2004

"Hey baby, wanna go grab something to eat?" Piper squeezes my shoulders and drops a kiss to the top of my head as I furiously type an email to my idiot boss about how I can't possibly get the amount of heroin he wants from point A to point B in 48 hours without being careless and likely getting quite a few people arrested. I can feel my entire body tense at having to tell Piper I'm working yet again. I feel like a fucking parrot.

"Pipes, I'm dealing with a bunch of heat right now from the higher ups. How about later?"

"Have you even eaten today Alex? Taken a shower? Seen the sun? It's like you're in prison, only in the nicest hotel in Paris."

"Sorry." I know I'm being short with her but I can't stop myself. Someone has to make the money Piper and unfortunately this is how I make ours.

"Sorry? Don't apologize to me, apologize to your body." She gives me a light shove towards my laptop screen and I hope she gets the urge to go shopping soon or visit a museum or get herself something to eat if she's so damn hungry.

"K."

"Great Alex, this has been a wonderful conversation."

"Piper…"

"I'm sure you talk to your fucking mules more than you talk to me, your girlfriend."

"Jesus, sorry Piper. Am I not giving you enough attention? Want me to up your Amex limit?"

"Fuck you Alex, you make me sound like some Upper East Side princess. I don't want more money, I want some time with you."

"Ok Piper, ok. I'll be done in a while and we can do whatever you want." I think I may sound like a dismissive asshole, but I really need Piper to go do her own thing while I concentrate. We're closing in on a huge new dealer and I stand to make a big chunk of change and with that I can keep buying Piper all the stuff she likes and take her to places she's never….I'm interrupted from my thoughts when she roughly spins my desk chair around to face her. And her face doesn't look pleased.

"Can you take me seriously for two seconds? When was the last time we went on a date? Or even had a fucking meal together? Or fucked? Yeah, tell me when the last time we had sex was Alex."

I stall, looking everywhere but Piper's eyes, mostly at her groin area like somehow her pussy will magically gain the ability of speech and let me know I pleasured it recently. "It was…it was just yesterday, or the other day. Or…let's see, today is..," This can't be right. I just made love to her…it's so vivid in my mind…just, just last night. No I worked last night and fell asleep as the sun came up, it must have been the night before, or the night before that maybe…if my brain wasn't mush from staring at shipping spreadsheets…

Piper huffed then looked up at the ceiling, willing the moisture in her eyes to fucking dry up and my heart clenched in my chest.

"Baby, come here…" I stand from my desk, pushing my laptop away. "Let's fix this problem right now." I make sure to add some extra rasp to my voice just the way she likes it, and crawl on the bed towards where she's kneeling.

"NO. No, fuck Alex, it's not going to be like that!" She instantly backs away from me and off the bed to stand near the dresser, and god, fuck, I want to go after her and crush her to me and squeeze all her anger out so she can go back to being my gorgeous, happy, let's-me-finger-her-anywhere girlfriend again.

"I just wait around! I just fucking wait around for you to be able to do something with me, ANYTHING, and you never stop working. I can't just be this fucking…this fucking trophy girlfriend who's available whenever you want and goes away when you don't have time. I've never felt so useless in my life!"

I step off the bed and towards her. "Piper, it's not at all like that! Buddy, we're a team. We're in this together."

Piper laughs in a weird way. "Oh please. It's the Alex show and I used to be a costar and now I'm more of an extra. Or a prop, yeah…I'm a prop so that this set looks like real life."

"Christ Pipes, I'm doing this for us! So we can live like we want to! I know it's been a lot lately but you know I would so much rather be off at a café with you or shopping or fucking you than emailing and planning and work bullshit!"

Piper groans and turns to the dresser, resting her hands on it then her head on her hands. I take a couple steps toward her again and she lifts her head to warn me off.

"Look, I'm sorry ok. Let's go out tonight. I haven't taken you to L'Ambroisie yet…it's my favorite and it's so romantic baby. And then we'll come back here and I'll have you for dessert. A multiple course dessert." I smirk at her and cock an eyebrow and hope that still works.

Piper rolling her eyes tells me it may not. "That's great Alex, I'll get your attention, likely your divided attention, for one night. And then tomorrow it'll be back to the same shit – me in the background."

"Ugh, fuck Piper! I wish I could quit babe, I really do! You know what? I wish I could go down on you all day and get fucking paid for it. Just 24/7 pussy and hundreds of thousands in the bank and…"

Piper leaves the dresser and walks toward the closet. "Well if you're just gonna make a big joke about it."

"It's not a joke. That's my ideal job. But it's not real life. I have to keep working for them so we can afford things Piper."

"I don't want THINGS! I wanted YOU!"

Fuck. Did she just use past tense? I've gotta turn this around. I've been treating this like a regular fight and clearly it's not. Nut up Vause. "Ok baby, ok. I'm sorry. You're right; I completely let my work take over. Just calm down and let's work this out."

"No, I've been trying to work it out for the past three months and you haven't given me the time of day. Now it's your turn."

She reaches in the closet and grabs the handle of a suitcase, already packed apparently, and I feel my entire face flush and my heart race and oh god, she can't leave me. What the fuck have I done?

"Buddy, what are you doing? Where are you going?" She starts walking toward the door and pure panic washes over me. "Pipe, I just didn't realize but if you let me make it up…"

"I'm going to Barcelona for the weekend. My friend Anna from Smith is vacationing there, and I can't spend another day wandering around Paris by myself or talking to myself or sleeping by myself."

"You're gonna sleep with her?" I regret it the second it leaves my mouth. Fuck Vause, you're a dumbfuck. Piper looks at me, exhausted or disappointed or a combination of both maybe.

"Like fuck her? No Alex, I'm not. She's married. To a man. And she's here with her mom. But thanks for not trusting me – I'd love to know what I did to deserve losing that. Or did I ever have it?"

I step towards her before she can reach the handle and put my hand over hers on the suitcase. "Baby…" I've probably never sounded so desperate in my life. "I'm sorry. I'm so fucking sorry. I do trust you. And I love you. More than anything. Please just…don't do this. Let's fix this. I'll fix this."

Piper sighs heavily and I think maybe I've weakened her resolve just a smidge. Plus she's staring at my chest, so perhaps she'll at least stay for the tits.

"I'm not breaking up with you…yet. But things have to change Alex. Let's just take a few days to think ok?" NO NOT FUCKING OK. I don't want you to think. I don't want you to go gallivanting in Spain with Annie Fuckface. You belong with me every second of every day, even when you're pissing me off or bothering me when I'm slammed with work, I still want you here. I say none of this and weakly nod because I'm weak.

"Ok Bud, if that's what you want. I'll miss you like hell. Please keep your phone with you."

Piper smiles but it's very small. I thank whatever gods there are when she rests her forehead to mine; I breathe in every ounce of Piper goodness I can cause it needs to last all weekend and maybe forever. Oh my god, what if she never comes back? What if she just doesn't want to deal with the heaviness of a breakup so this is how she's doing it? I feel my eyes instantly pool and I hiccup and fuck fuck fuck fuck.

"Sweetie," she soothes cause she must have noticed my stupid tears. "Alex look at me." Her soft hands clasp at my neck and she uses her thumbs to tilt my jaw up. She looks like an angel in this fancy hotel lighting and also cause she is one. I want to handcuff her to me. "I'm coming back babe. I just need to cool off ok? We'll work it out." Her reassurance let's me take my first breath in what feels like eternity but I'm in no way relaxed. And then she kisses me, first just a soft press of her lips on mine, but then she tilts her head and sneaks her tongue in and GOD CAN SOMEONE JUST PUT BARS ON THE DOOR SO SHE CAN'T LEAVE? Damn it, now she's backing away and instead of paying attention to the feel of her tongue or how good her hips felt pressed against mine I wasted my time screaming in my own head.

"I love you Alex Vause. More than anything." She pecks my cheek and then she's out the door and if you google dumbfounded a picture of me in this moment shows up. I find it very cute when she echoes back phrases I've said to her and also when she kisses me and also she's so fucking hot it hurts. I fight every urge to run down the hall after her but I have no new things to say except 'please stay' over and over and Piper deserves a grander gesture. So I run back inside to my laptop and I book a ticket to Barcelona for later tonight.

* * *

I land in Barcelona to find Piper's flight has to make an emergency landing in Saint Etienne because of fuel tank problems. My heart drops to my stomach and I'm on the verge of vomiting until the stupid Spaniard repeats himself in the correct tenses, that it landed safely, was grounded for 4 hours, and is now on it's way. It sort of turns out perfectly because I now get to surprise her at the gate instead of trying to figure out where the fuck in Barcelona she is without calling her.

I buy roses and chocolates in the airport cause those are 'I'm sorry' gifts right? I don't have a clue, I just want to tell her I'll do anything for her and then make her cum around my fingers two hundred times.

When the same stupid Spaniard announces over the intercom that Flight 447 from Paris has arrived, my heart free falls to my stomach again like it's some kind of bungee jumper. Up when Piper kissed me and said we weren't breaking up, down when my mind flashed to images of her in a plane crash, up when I bought the idiot roses and chocolates and thought about sex, and back down now that I actually have to face her and surprise her and why didn't I consider that maybe she didn't want me to follow her? If she was trying to end things with me and then I show up here and…fuck there she is, more beautiful than ever.

She sees me and clearly my surprise is very surprising. Her eyes light up and she can't hide her smile, but by the time she walks up to me she's controlled her glee and has a side smirk and her brow is a bit furrowed. "And just how the fuck did you manage this Vause?"

"Pure dumb luck." I hold out my 'I'm sorry' bounty to her, which she also smirks at.

"Is it Valentine's Day in Spain?" I look down at my roses and realize the 'I'm sorry' flower is probably tulips or happy daisies or some random shit like lily of the valley.

"Oh right," I fling them on to one of the chairs at the gate. "Stupid me." Piper frowns and retrieves the roses. She brings them to her nose and inhales. "I wanted an 'I'm sorry' flower, so…really a wild guess."

Piper chuckles softly. "To me, roses are an 'I love you' flower."

"Well that's certainly true." I hold her gaze.

"You came to Spain to tell me you love me through floral gestures?"

I duck my chin and slide my glasses to the top of my head and I can feel my cheeks warm. How can this girl still make me blush after almost five years? "I have a lot of things to say but the airport has a pretty limited flower selection. Should we go find a real florist, or a garden?"

Piper steps toward me and plays with my shirt collar. "You being here says quite a bit. I'm shocked to say the least."

I lay my head to the side to trap her hand. "You left baby. You, you had a suitcase, even though you said you weren't ending it, I was worried you'd never…" Don't fucking cry in the middle of el aeropuerto Vause. "I can't lose you Pipes."

Piper returns the roses to their seat and gently takes the chocolates from me, smiles, and sets them down too. Then she wraps her arms around my neck and covers her body with mine and returns her forehead to its rightful place against my forehead.

After a few seconds she whispers, "put your arms around me weirdo." I realize I've stood frozen in sweet relief and then acquiesce. "Thank you, hugs go well with roses and chocolates."

I choke out a quiet sob and Piper squeezes tighter, kissing the side of my face and neck and ear. "You won't lose me babe. I wasn't leaving you. But I _was_ going crazy and I'm not a great communicator and a dramatic exit was my first and only idea on how to get through to you."

I kiss her exposed collarbone softly and squeeze her tighter. "It worked. Very well."

She pulls back to look in my eyes. "We can work this out, right? We can find a balance?"

"Yes baby, absolutely. I already told Fahri to fuck off this weekend. And that from now on I need two days a week with no work. Just for us. And I'll cut back on the late hours."

Piper runs her hands up and down my back and I relax more than I have in weeks, months maybe. "Thank you," she whispers. "That's all I want. More time with you. I miss you."

"I miss you too buddy."

I kiss her on the neck and then the cheek and then the lips repeatedly, then one long slow open-mouthed one, like I'm trying to inhale all the Piper I can.

"Oh, and we had sex two weeks ago. I was foolishly working a 14-hour day, cause I'm a fool, and you had gone shopping and bought emerald green lingerie from Aubade and were giving me a fashion show that I wasn't giving the bug-eyed, drool-pooling attention it deserved…did I mention I'm a fool? So you came over to me at my desk, closed my laptop and sat down spread eagle and told me to 'get back to work.'"

Piper is smiling and flexing her hands on my hips like she does when she's turned on but there are people around. "And you did boo."

I smirk and wrap my arms around her neck. "Fuck yeah I did. Only it wasn't work, it was pleassssure."

She winks at me but there's still hesitance behind her smile. "Two weeks Alex. You didn't notice we haven't had sex for fourteen days! And you didn't even let me reciprocate that night so it's been even longer since you've had an orgasm. When have we ever gone that long unless you were traveling? And even then, we phone or cyber! Sex is our thing Alex, it's how we connect, it's always…"

"Fucking amazing," I interject. "It's the best sex I've ever had." I pull her tighter and take a deep breath and wonder what the fuck is wrong with my pussy that it didn't wake my mind the fuck up and tell me to go have my way with my hot girlfriend. "I know baby, I don't know what to say. I just let work take me over. It won't happen again. OK? More romance, more dinners, more trips…way more sex. Seriously, sex morning, noon, and night. As often as we eat, we _eat._"

Piper smiles and blushes slightly and fuck she's just the cutest girl in the world. "Ok." She says it faux begrudgingly so I tickle her sides and she squeals. I know it's impractical and pathetic and pussy-whipped but I never want her out of my sight again.

"Can we go to your hotel now buddy?" I pick up our bags and growl at her. "I'm hungry."

Piper makes a funny face. "Actually I planned to just stay with Anna cause she rented a villa but I miscalculated the time difference and she doesn't get here until tomorrow morning, so I was gonna…"

I cut her off with a long kiss. "I know a great place."

* * *

"Fuck, baby…fuck baby! Fuuuuuck baaaaabies…"

I lift my head up from between her legs. "Fuck babies? Piper Chapman, is this your way of telling me you don't want kids?"

Now she lifts her head up, from the pillow, glaring daggers. "Are you really stopping right now? To chat about offspring? I was so clooooose."

Whiny sex-crazed Piper is one my favorites so I smile. I see out the bay windows that the sun is rising and make a note-to-self to order coffee from room service after she comes cause I feel fatigue rolling in, but I know I won't be done with her for another few hours. "I've given you what, six, seven orgasms now? We can't just talk? Get to know each other?"

She shakes her head. "Nah, I'm really just in this for the sex."

"Fair enough. Back to work now." I wink at her and dive back in.

"I thought it wasn't work it was plea-ughhhh god yes." Mashing her clit between my lips and then gently sucking it always puts a halt to one of her smartass comments. I trail my tongue down to her opening, teasing slowly around the ring cause I know it will get a rise out of her. And it does. She instantly grabs at my hair, pushing my face harder into herself and fuck if I don't get wetter than I already was.

"Baby please, inside. I need you." And I give her what she wants. I'll give her anything she wants. I push my tongue into her tight hole and my nose hits her clit and my hands grip around her soft thighs, keeping them spread wide for me. And I memorize this. I remind myself how quickly I could lose it. I remind myself all the money in the world wouldn't matter if she wasn't in my bed at night. And god, I remind myself to love her like this everyday because I'm the only one that gets to and it's fucking heaven on earth. Alex Vause, if you get that close to losing Piper Chapman again you don't deserve her.


	2. I am a Rock, I am an Island

Litchfield, May 2013, 17 weeks after Doggett attack.

* * *

I know I'm staring, but I can't stop. I know I shouldn't be staring at her. I don't deserve to stare at her. But prison is ugly and she's gorgeous and my eyes and her are magnets so it's really not my fault. She got me in here anyway. She probably, no, she definitely didn't deserve to get her heart broken by me again but still, she brought me here. I'm an asshole; she knows that. I'm a tornado, an unpredictable storm of destruction to those around me, so really, when she got me locked up in here with her she should have known I might do her harm.

Plus, like I said prison is ugly. The SHU is even uglier and I just spent 13 weeks in there. And I've spent the last 3 1/2 weeks on the top bunk in the holding room staring at the ceiling. So looking at Alex is like a blind man regaining his sight. Incredible. Beautiful. A miracle.

I wish it was me sitting next to her and not Nichols. I'd share my corn muffin with her. I'd let her eat my muffin. Hah.

"Chapman, what's with the dumbass grin? You look high. That ain't a good thing to look in prison." Poussay shakes her head at me and buses her tray.

Right, other people can see me. Sitting at a table by myself, smiling wickedly to myself, daydreaming about Alex and her eyes and her lips and her chest (and oh god, now I'm motor boating her in my head like some kind of pubescent boy), is probably not a great way to blend in. Which is exactly what I'm trying to do these days. No more attention, no more trouble, no more SHU. No more Alex. Fuck.

To stay out of trouble it's probably best to minimize my interaction with everyone. I'm an island now. And like being on an island, alone, one is left with dreaming. Daydreaming and night dreaming. The daydreaming I can control. Well, sort of. Alex's tits pop into my head on their own accord. But I can't control the night dreams at all and I had the most fucked up dream of my life last night. Alex and Larry and I were having a threesome. Or…I'm not really sure you can call it a threesome but I know you can call it disturbing.

"_That's not how she likes it Harry." Alex sits in the corner of the room in a leather Eames lounger, legs crossed and glass of wine in hand, watching Larry try to eat me out. I'm not sure how much she's even seen with how often she's rolling her eyes. While penetrative sex with Larry has always been enjoyable, he's a bit of a tongue poker when it comes to oral. _

_Larry looks angry. "It's Larry. And why are you even here? She's my fiancé, mine."_

"_You've been at it for twenty minutes bro, and I haven't heard her moan once. Pipes, how many times did I get you off when we snuck in the bathroom on that flight to Tokyo?"_

_My face flushes and my brow sweats. "I, um…."_

"_Four times. In fifteen minutes. If you stay in there any longer the attendant comes knocking on the door. For terrorist activity, not lesbian activity." I realize she must be talking to Larry cause she already explained this to me when we did it. I remember the conversation well because a wave of jealousy rushed over me and I quickly asked her how she knew all this and just how many girls has she taken in an airplane bathroom. I marvel how the thought of her with other women still pisses me off._

_"I'm sure they'd be more lenient if they knew what a great time we were having, right baby?" __I moan at the memory of Alex roughly pulling my panties down (I always wore skirts on long flights so Alex and I could cuddle up under the blanket they give you and not sleep) and propping me up on the counter, dropping to her knees and going to town. "I hate airplane food" she'd explained and gave me an evil smile._

"_See Barry, all I have to do is talk about past sexual experiences and she moans."_

"_Alex, be nice." I don't really mean it. I need her to keep talking; her voice is my biggest aphrodisiac. _

"_Sorry babe, I just want you to feel good."_

"_Don't call her babe," Larry grunts out, looking at my pussy like a damn Rubik's cube._

"_Here Lars, why don't I give her a try? Just for a couple minutes." Larry looks at me, obviously tired, of trying to pleasure me or of Alex's bitchy remarks I'm not sure. He rolls away and sits back against the headboard, flipping the TV on. Alex takes off her blazer and kicks off her shoes, holding my gaze and licking her bottom lick like she always does when I'm naked or when she's picturing me naked. I feel myself get wetter with each step she takes toward the bed, and I'm sure she notices as I'm spread wide open. Larry flips through channels._

_Alex kneels down between my legs, running her hands up the outsides and then back down the insides and I get goose bumps everywhere. She quickly breaks eye contact to stare at my breasts, then meets my gaze again, her eyes noticeably darker than before. "Hey buddy," she husks, smiling and pecking me on the lips, much too quick and too little tongue for my liking. I just whimper in response, mute from anticipation. She runs her thumb up and down my wet slit and I arch my back so hard up to her that she laughs then quickly takes my whole left tit into her mouth._

"_Al," I'm already breathless. "I need…"_

_She releases my breast with a pop. "I know what you need baby. I'm getting there." She kisses down my rib cage to my belly button to the top of my slit. Larry glances over once in a while but seems to find' Jeopardy' reruns more interesting than two women getting it on. I wonder if Alex wants him to watch – generally she'd never let anyone see us like this but her main goal tonight, besides making me come, seems to be to show Larry up._

_Alex uses her palms to spread my legs wider, looking up at me from between my legs and mouthing 'I love you.' My heart skips and I smile and when I look to Larry to see if he saw her, Alex demands my attention back by licking a firm, broad stripe against my pussy. _

"_Oh fuck." My head clunks back against the headboard with a loud bang. _

"_Piper," Larry scolds. "It's hardly worth a concussion." Alex laughs against my clit and that makes me hit my head again. I'm moaning and thrashing and Larry is telling me to stop and Alex is sucking on me, sucking me everywhere, like my crotch is a desert and she wants every drop of moisture she can get. Her hands are on my breasts and I'm so close, I entwine my fingers with hers and hold on for dear life and god, my heartbeat is in my clit, but Larry won't shut up, calling out my name in my face and…_

"Chapman. Chapman! Piper!" Great Piper, caught again. Nichols is standing in front of me at the table, waving her hands in front of my face. "Time to go to work you freak." Despite her mockery, she grabs my breakfast tray for me and buses it at the trash nearby. "She's like a fat kid staring at an imaginary cake." Who's she talking to? Oh shit, Alex. She's smirking at me. Fuck, she always knows when I'm thinking about sex. ALWAYS. I stand and turn away from her, looking at the stained floor as I follow Nichols out.

"Let me know if you need your laundry done a few days early Piper," she calls out as she heads the opposite direction. Nichols cracks up in realization and I feel my face get hot with mortification, but these are the first words she's spoken to me since I returned from the SHU a month ago and I want to hear more, anything Alex, just keep talking to me. I turn back toward her cause I must hate myself and she winks at me. She winks! What does this mean? I get butterflies and feel like a teenager for the second time today. Nichols laughs with me, or likely at me, as we head to the shed.

* * *

I make it through work without thinking about Alex or sex or sex with Alex at all. I run harder than I've ever run around the track and I think of nothing. A gorgeous silence of the mind where all I can hear is my pounding heartbeat. I make it through a shower (now I shower before dinner to give Alex her privacy in the morning) with zero sex thoughts, zero awkward grins. Maybe my mother was right, embarrassments are great lessons. Hey look ma, I done learned.

But now I'm at dinner and realize perhaps I gave myself too much credit. I've made it all day without thinking of Alex simply because I haven't been around her. And now she's in sight and she's in mind. And she's facing me, and even though she's two tables away, it makes it harder to not look at her than when I can only see her back. She's facing me and she's finished her dinner and Red surprised their table with chocolate cake. And Alex fucking loves chocolate cake. She puts it into her mouth and doesn't chew; she just fucking lets it melt in her mouth and tilts her head back a bit and makes the most _erotic _face; really, she's making her come face right here in the bright fluorescent lights of the Litchfield cafeteria. HER COME FACE. How can I win this? Mom? Embarrassment isn't working this time. No, my entire day's progress vanishes out the barred windows and I flood my panties as my mind instantly travels to Sydney in our second year of dating when, after much negotiating, Alex let _me_ use the strap-on. And I yanked her to the edge of the bed and I stood with so much pride at being the first girl to ever be allowed to do this to her and I fucked her brains out and she tilted her head back just like she is now and made that exact face. _Pure bliss._

"Inmate." Fisher calls out to me, trying to sound stern but she's the nicest damn person here. She lowers her voice a bit. "You're drooling." And then she walks on to patrol the next table and I look down to see wet spots on my shirt. Awesome Piper. This is worse than the sex grinning earlier. Now you really will have to take your laundry early. And laundry reminds me of Alex (what doesn't) and I look up and she's smirking at me. And she knows. AGAIN.

* * *

I go to the commissary after dinner to buy deodorant and a Kit Kat. As I walk back I see Alex on the phone, talking softly with tears in her eyes and I freeze. Alex crying has always felt like a bowling ball on my chest and I've never been good at handling it. Another inmate asks me if I'm in line and I'm thankful I didn't get caught staring at Alex again, especially like this. I want to go to her so bad, to squeeze her and ask her what's wrong and kiss those tear tracks on her cheeks. Instead I leave her there, alone, and go to the library.

I find an empty table and a book on creative writing. I think it's weird to read about writing for some reason. Maybe I'll skip through and just do the exercises at the end of each chapter. Anything really, to take my mind off who Alex may have been talking to and what could have made her cry.

In the middle of doing an exercise describing in detail my current bedroom (hah!), someone joins me at the table. I look up. Not just someone, Alex. Shock must be written all over my face, cause she mumbles something about the other seats being taken and dives into her book. I nod and then we're silent. For five minutes. Ten. Fifteen. And then I realize it's impossible for me to sit 36 inches away from her and not talk or kiss or fuck or do _something_ that indicates we're not complete strangers.

"Alex?"

She doesn't look up.

"Look, I know you said never come to you. Not with anything. And I'm really trying not to do that. I'm fighting myself to leave you alone. But just know you can come to me. Anytime, for whatever." Alex finally looks at me, unmoving, and I have trouble reading her. But I don't want her to get up. She hasn't been this close to me in months and it's comforting breathing in air she's just exhaled. Keep talking, Piper. "I made a bad choice Alex. I'm sorry. I was scared. Loving you is really scary. And I…"

"Ok," Alex cuts me off, monotone. "Thank you Piper. It's…it's nice to know I have friends in here who have my back."

"Friends?" I'm pushing it, I know. I'm probably pushing her away. I should take what I can get, but we're not fucking _friends_.

"Are you not interested in being friends with me?"

"Not for a second. I love you. I love having sex with you." I smile, always proud of myself when I can turn her words back on her, and I can see Alex is fighting like hell to not smile back.

"Do you memorize everything people say to you?"

"No, just what you say. And it's not like I mean to memorize it, I just replay it a lot in my head so then…" Oh hey, vulnerability. Something about Alex playing a conversation cool and casual always makes me word vomit and strip down to emotional nudity. Yeah, that's a good analogy, self – I'm standing in front of Alex like a naked girl barfing. Raw and exposed. And she's sitting across the table from me, looking so beautiful and snickering. Snickering! But there's a sparkle in her eyes like maybe she thinks it's more cute and endearing than pathetic and weird.

"What else do you replay in that head of yours?"

SEX! I replay every sexual experience I can remember. On repeat! Like my very own porn reel, and oh baby, it's so hot. So much hotter than the les porn we would occasionally watch and end up laughing hysterically at.

"I don't know. Nothing. Movies."

She raises her perfect eyebrows at me cause she obviously knows I'm always thinking about sex, ruining my prison-issued underwear, drooling all over my shirt, eyes longing like I forget I'm not invisible and she can see me staring at her.

"Hmm." There's a commotion somewhere at the other end of the library and Alex turns to look. I hear Taystee swear and I know she probably knocked down the wobbly shelf of teen fiction again. I've seen her do it a million times so I stare at Alex's profile instead. And then she turns and catches me. Naked and barfing again, Piper. Smirking again, Alex.

"What are you reading?"

Alex looks down and folds the book closed so I can see the cover.

"Careers in Importing and Exporting. Figure I'll use what I know when I get outta here, but with legal shit this time."

"That's great Alex. That's really proactive."

"Yeah," she nods, reopening the book. "Probably time to stop free falling so much. Or at least have some solid ground to come back to when I do."

She's my dream girl. "That's…brilliant."

Alex laughs, sarcastic. "Yeah, it took a real rocket scientist to figure that one out."

"Well, it took something. Something changed. You've never cared about solid ground before. Or a home base. Or a home for that matter."

Alex stops to think for a second. I wonder if she's thinking of how to explain herself, or whether I deserve to hear her thoughts, her plans, her future. "I had this dream the other night. I was walking down 8th Ave and I was older, like 50 or 60 something. And I ran into you and Larry. And you introduced me to your two kids, they were teenagers or like going to college or something. And you all seemed so happy. And I was alone. I walked home alone and I had groceries in my bag and you know, I was going to make dinner alone. And God, I woke up so fucking sad and depressed. And I just…I don't want that to come true. For me, I mean. I'm sure for you, it'll…"

"It won't," I interrupt. The idea that she thinks I still want to end up with Larry is unbearable. "Not the kids with Larry part anyway. That ship has sailed."

"Don't you want kids?"

I smile. "Sheesh, at least take a girl to dinner first." We laugh. I feel stupid saying that out loud, assuming yet again she wants to be with me. I know she's doesn't. "I guess I am a bit of a Park Slope narcissist."

"A bit?" I smile and then regroup. Now that she's talking to me, I really want her to hear me.

"Larry isn't right for me. I just…I guess I just loved the idea of him. He was safe, secure. Comfortable. My parents loved him and it was nice to finally do something right in their eyes. But I need more than that. And I wasn't my true self around him. I was toned down some…I was best behavior Piper. I suppose now I see why it was so shocking when he found out about my drug dealer ex-girlfriend…"

Alex nods softly, unreadable again.

"I might be too fucked up to have kids anyway. I know they like merry-go-rounds, but…"

Alex nods in understanding, but still, I can't read her.

"He told you?"

"Yeah, but I'm glad he did. You're right. About all of it. He's right too." Alex stares straight ahead. "We're friends now, Larry and I. He's actually been really helpful, since I got out of the SHU. Talking to me about our, _my_ problems and why we would never work. I told him he should be a therapist…but he says it's just the things you realize when you step away and get perspective."

Alex nods, like she must agree. Like that's how she realized I was too much of a monster for her. How she realized some times good sex just isn't worth all the other bullshit. How she realizes now she's glad I picked Larry and she'll never have to deal with me again.

"Anyway, let's dissect your dream." I smile. We always used to look up dream meanings. Spiders mean you feel like an outsider – I used to get that one a lot. "Since when do you want kids?"

"Hey! That doesn't mean I do. I don't know. You're never gonna find me in Westchester with a fucking picket fence. But…I don't know, something in me, I feel that tug, albeit a weak tug. I either, like, want zero kids or seven."

I'm speechless. "You always were extreme Vause." She does her sexy ass eyebrow lift again, and then looks towards the door and smiles and waves at someone. The bookshelf to my right is blocking my view, but they better not interrupt this promising convo. It's going well and I stupidly hope at some point Alex will reach across the table and kiss me breathless and ask me to mother her seven children.

"There you are rugmuncher." Nicky sidles up to Alex. She doesn't notice me across the table. "Just saw an empty chapel if you want to continue what we started earlier..." Alex must give her some kind of signal that I'm there and they should take pity on me. I don't know, I couldn't look. I can't…oh god, now I really am going to be a barfing girl. How did I not realize? How did the fucking prison gossip system fail me on this? Of course she's moved on Piper, girls like Alex don't stay single. They don't stay celibate. I'm sure half this prison wanted to fuck her after I fucker her over. And ugh, just the thought of someone else touching her, just the split second I allow my brain to see the image of Nicky between her thighs makes my stomach turn. My brow feels sweaty and these flickering library lights are suddenly making my vision weird.

"Jesus Chapman, you look like you're gonna hurl." Nichols has a weird smile like maybe she's joking as a friend or maybe she's glad I'm sick. Fuck, don't talk to me when you're the one making me feel like this. You and your fucking hands on MY GIRL. I stand up from the table, legs unsteady.

"Pipe, are you ok?" Alex's genuine concern does nothing for my nausea with Nichols' hand still resting on her shoulder. I wish she'd get up. I wish she'd come to the bathroom and hold my hair and rub soothing circles on my back. She used to. Any time we'd go out to a club and she'd recruit young pretty girls I'd get so insanely jealous I'd start shot contests with random guys, maybe to numb the pain or maybe to get her attention. Either way she'd find me, way too drunk and sloppy on the dance floor, wrap me up in her arms and tuck me into a cab and take me home. ME, not any other girls, to OUR home. And in the cab ride I'd whisper all the dirty things I was going to do to her and sometimes I'd shove her hand up my skirt, down low behind the partition so the cabbie couldn't see. And then of course by the time I stumbled up the stairs to our loft the alcohol would catch up with me and I'd spend the night in the bathroom. WE would spend the night in the bathroom. Me and my Alex.

I quickly exit the library, walking briskly toward the bathrooms so as not to get yelled at for running. No attention, head down, my initial goal for the day forgotten. But you can always start your day over, even at 8 pm. First, I'm gonna go throw up. Then, I'm gonna figure out how to get over Alex Vause once and for all.

* * *

Later, I lie in my bed and stare at the ceiling. It's dark and quiet and weird being back in the Suburbs. It's hard to devise a plan to stop doing something you've been doing for over a decade. Alex has been ingrained in me for so long I'm not sure how to go about removing her. Is this a cold turkey situation? Is that possible when you're in prison together? Maybe there's a 12-step program?

A figure appears at the foot of my bunk and my heart stops. Alex. Fuck. Not someone trying to kill me, but anxiety-inducing nonetheless.

"How are you feeling?"

"Fine," I whisper. "Probably just something I ate."

"Right." An odd pause, even for Alex. "Well, I just wanted to check."

"Thanks. You don't have to do that, anymore…I mean, I can…I'll be ok."

She looks down at my feet under the covers. I squirm under her stare and wonder why she's acting so awkward, like she doesn't completely have the upper hand here.

"I'm fucked up too. So you're not alone there." She nods and turns to leave. "And I don't know if it's just my intense love of Salinger, but I've always liked merry-go-rounds." It's dark but I can tell by her voice she's smiling. "Night Pipes."

I lay shocked, smiling like an idiot again I'm sure. Thank God no one's awake to catch me this time. "Night Al."


End file.
